▶ I am not finished, be gentle with me...

Journal

3/8/25

Hi! I definitely fell asleep while still writing my last entry. I probably had a point, or something. But hello! I am alive and feeling a little more human. I had to make a difficult decision today, but I think will be best for all parties involved. Always hard to do something of that sort, but I was aided by Saturn in all ways. Yesterday my cat ran away, but ran back into the house before I could see. I was running around my neighborhood for 2 hours in sunny 83 degree F weather screaming "Aoife! Aoife!". He was in my closet the whole time. He only came out when I was sobbing about giving up and only having one cat. So funny how often in my life that I must give up hope completely for the thing I wanted to be given to me, it is to keep me humble and not take things for granted. I have been looking into Taoist Buddhism lately, and am hoping to go to an acupuncturist for my birthday next month. I genuinely put a lot of trust in Traditional Chinese Medicine, and have been trying to make my personal sleep/eating schedule to the TCM schedule. I have been going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, like 7-11pm and 5-8am. I am trying to repair the line of trust and communication between my body and my mind. My mind can command my body, but when my body tries to tell the mind what it is feeling, my mind ignores it. I want to listen to my body and treat it right. I am eating again! I eat Kimchi every day. It has been giving me more mental clarity, and better sleep. I went to 99 Ranch and H-Mart this week to raise my spirits. I think about how the Acupuncturist last year told me to eat, no spicy food, lots of vegetables, sesame oil + white pepper powder as seasoning. I want to make myself into the best version of myself that I can create. A friend of mine posted a quote today that really hit close to home, "Motivation is secondary. Resolve and routine are primary-it's a sacred covenant with yourself". I think about that youtube video title "I Betrayed My True Self In A Way That Hurt Me So Bad I Could Not Forgive Myself For Twenty-Two Years" every single day. I betray myself every day, unfortunately. I try to understand what I want, but do the wrong things many times. I use other people's supposed sources of happiness as possible answers, but often do not work for me. I do not know what I want. I am made happy sometimes, but I think others have said true happiness comes from overcoming daily hard work. I cry often from this dissonance of unknowing and unhappiness. I keep trying to make myself happy but I may not be doing the right things.

Right now I am reading Canticle for Leibowitz, and am enjoying it. I am a little over halfway through it. I also am reading my copy of Dracula, it's a penguin classics hardcover edition. Damn Bram Stoker's Dracula is so racist! Hahahaha, why is he like, "The Easterns are such a fascinating lesser people"?? Was Vampires so scary to Western Europeans just because they were so racist and hated Romani? Was the most terrifying thing to a Brit in 1880 a Romanian man Cucking his wife??? I am actively working to read more. I want to be less focused on looking for external avenues of validation / happiness. It is always within myself. Saturn is silent, but he showed me once by pressing upon my chest that all i seek is within me. "Neither shall they say, ‘Lo, it is here!’ or ‘Lo, it is there!’ For behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21. Except I'm being pedantic and emotionally untruthful, that was the King James Version, which I politically decline. The real translation is "among" or "amidst" you (the Pharisees) but whatever.

3/1/25

LIFE GO TOO FAST

God I am so sorry I haven't updated in over a month. Too much shit happened this month. Tomorrow I am hosting another show and I am unbelievably nervous about it. Do you think that nervousness will go down eventually? I am not even able to relax today. But less about that, let's talk!

Distractions, distractions, distractions. Why is everything a distraction? I truly hate how easily it is for distraction to permanently take hold of your waking mind and you become addicted to living with your eyes closed. Everything is an addiction. I hate how I am not in control of my own life. Capitalism's strength in making every person believe that they are insufficient and need supplementation has become next to impossible to overcome. A exemplary example of such an interaction is how I believe I need a soulmate, someone to unhealthily bond to in hopes of them fixing my life. But in truth, that does not exist. I must become vigilant! Even if such things exist for others, I am not someone with that luxury afforded. Becoming transgender I had to work very hard to 'be myself', but now that I am on the path of that, it feels like I will never find love wherein that self is recognized. I am too short, I don't know enough, I know too much, my depression is too bad, not over my ex from a billion years ago, artistic tastes too weird, not able to let people in, etc etc. I feel like I fucked myself over by being myself. So I have been compromising - just allowing myself to be used in hopes of it bringing some fake sense of happiness. I must shed off these notions of self-insufficiencies and remember that everything needed to bring the life I want to live is already within me. I want to be able to bring these ideas into my waking life.

1/26/25

Thoughts on spirit realm - Twin Peaks

Diane, I struggle on finding the balance of sharing the truths of the details of the spiritual journey as my desperate nature easily and quickly feeds on the fast satisfaction of feeling cool from talking about the journey rather than the actual journey. What I do feel inclined to share is how I have seen the spirit realm. After these endeavors, I have been seeing the physical world in a different light. Dialectical materialism's conclusion of religion being the 'opium of the masses' seems now a pithy tether. I am seeing intersections between its world and this. One person who saw these intersections was David Lynch.

As I re-watch Twin Peaks for the first time this decade, as I am a very different person from the last watch, I am now confident on much more about not only the intent of the story, but also about David himself. Transcendental meditation took him to this same 'dream world' - as it is referred to in the show. The structure of the show is a medium to get the viewer to understand the reality of the spirit realm. The interconnectedness of all, the 'dual lives' that every character lived, Dale Cooper's visions, all of these were in service of explaining the spirit realm. The death of Laura Palmer was only a medium for upheaval, the dual nature of all things to come forward. The shadow self and the percieved self either unite - or kill eachother. Bob was the carpenter ant of the tree, the douglas firs, by which the roots and the trunk were hollowed as the tree toppled. Lynch was very very obviously half in, half out on this world. When he died, I was very heartbroken. I don't think any celebrity death has hit me this hard, even Daniel Johnston was unsurprising. I knew he was going to die. David seemed to be someone so strong he would live forever. During the 10 minute global meditation on what would have been his 79th birthday, I saw this:

A camera in the ocean, pointed diagonally up towards the surface of the water, showed me swimming. I was going up, up towards the sky. The water was thick, warm, and almost impenetrable. David was up in the golden skies, and I tried to reach him, but he had been long gone. His body had been destroyed, but he was up there. His physical form had been dissapated but what remained was happy among the golden skies. He noticed me and I felt warm. His spirit put my worries to rest.

The spirit realm exists- not on top of, next to, beneath, or interwoven into the light of our own. Somewhere else. It is made up of the same materials, I think. It wants to tell me something, and I would like to know what it is. Clarification requires me to mention I am not mentally ill, I do not get delusions, and I am not crazy. I just am interested in that place that past humans have traversed. I think most know of the theoretical existence of it but maybe do not see it as a realm they are able to visit. It's the same place as where you visit in deep meditation. I am not quite sure what has changed, but I am visiting it with relative ease upon intent to visit. But, as Agent Cooper said, "its not so bad if you can keep the fear from your mind". I am not so afraid of fear, I accept it, and it runs upon the flashlight.

I almost already regret typing this out. I am very ashamed of seeming mentally ill, even though I am of very rational mind. I am doing well, life only keeps getting better it seems! Almost so that I am a bit nervous. I am planning trips, meeting people all the time, strengthening the bonds I already have, and have been putting myself out there! Today I had a bag of frozen curried vegetables for breakfast, a cup of butternut squash soup for lunch, and a green lentil pasta cooked in the remains of that butternut squash soup. Watching 9 hours of Twin Peaks since yesterday has made me feel pretty weird. Whatever! I hope you all enjoy the remainder of January. Take care of yourselves and of others and I will see you later!! :*

1/11/25

Hello! How have you been? Right now, in North Texas, we are being graced by a blanket of snow. The winter storm of january 2025 has been really nice. No electricity problems this year. I went and played in the snow with friends and took some fun pictures. Take a look!

While it looks completely nordic cold, it only hovers around freezing so totally fine to be out and about in. I feel as though the past year has helped me acclimate to the colder weather. I used to shiver horribly in even 50F, but this morning I sat and drank my coffee outside in just a t shirt and sweatpants surrounded by the winter blanket and was perfectly fine. I feel as though my life keeps ramping up - both in percieved time hastening, and in events and interactions consistently increasing in magnitude and quantity. I do not like to share -actual- intimate details of my relationships, especially on a very public website such as this one, but all I feel compelled to share is that the "relationship detox" is verily over. Not an actual relationship, but not -not- a relationship in its most basic definition! I used to have very bad struggles with codependence in relationships. Fully relinquishing my self worth and independent lifestyle over to the comfort of a mildewed embrace. Then, in an attempt to avoid the throes of committing, my internal pendulum swung too far in the opposite direction towards disgust at anothers' attempt at emotional connection. My partner's voice felt like the fibers of a noose around my neck. That was when I knew something was very very wrong with the part of my brain responsible for connection and fear, and I needed to take a long break. Now the real work begins of trying to find a happy medium between those two tendencies. I love to be proven wrong. It is a great reminder to stay humble and open to all possibilities. Turns out I am very attracted to powerlifters! hahahah

The music I have been listening to this week is Three6Mafia, Paysage D'Hiver, Sorcier Des Glaces, Boy Harsher, Gråt Strigoi, Havukruunu, Vukari, and Stormkeeper. Most of those are reccommendations from friends, so I thank them. I really have been enjoying asking people what music they've been listening to lately. It uplifts any conversation, and everyone feels included and respected. And when you are as lucky as I am to have very cool and wise friends, they actually have phenomenal reccomendations. Ask your friends what they've been listening to lately! And then don't just say you will check it out, pull your phone out and look it up and save it right then!

Time to put the petal to the metal!! I have been struggling with working at a slow, steady pace instead of in tiny bursts all my life, but recently have been doing everything in my power to keep at it and not give up! A little bit is better than everything all at once! I have been working on not picking at my face, using social media VEEERRYYY sparingly (only for dms and the very occasional post), eating more, drinking more water, keeping home tidy, keeping myself tidy, taking care of things and not letting them pile up. I need to make 500 doctors appointments this year before my health insurance runs out. I don't think this will be the year for top surgery either. I need to find a big boy job. Not looking forward to making myself employable hahahah.. Although I do have skills! I just dont... Look... employable...

Lets all work hard in the coming last few weeks of capricorn season to set forth the trends you would like to see happen for your life this year! I know Saturn would be very happy to see that hard work. We can do this! Take care of yourselves, take care of those around you, and be well and merry until the next time we chat. I will do my best to do the same. Goodbye for now!! xoxo

1/2/25

Happy new year!!!!

I spent my new years first at a friend's home, then to a show where I saw Infesta Silvae and Brain Sweat play - two of my favorite local bands to see live - then back to my friend's home for the ball drop and then to home. I gave a right-before-new-years-kiss to a very beautiful mean woman wearing a kimono who insulted my height and said I had a "small tight body" and that I was a "itty bitty king"(which hurt my feelings), and talked to me about the increasing endangerment status of earthworms. I love strangers! She was very interesting, I would have not wished that to go any other way. There is a very funny video my friend Jenna took of me lighting 5 sparklers in my face like a cigarette and it looked like I got consumed by the sun. I had a very wonderful time, and got to see a lot of my friends I haven't seen in quite a while. I felt so happy and so grateful I have met so many wonderful people in this past year. Despite sharing shivering conversations outside with some handsome people, I felt very warm inside to have met such nice people who accept me as the person I am.

2024 was a wonderful year for me! The amount of people I was so lucky to have met is astronomical. I learned a lot of lessons. I learned that people DO like being asked about the shirts/patches/pins they are wearing and won't get mad that you don't know what it is. I learned that being friends with people who are just waiting to date you is a terrible idea. I learned that some people live outside the realm of my own logic and any attempt to make sense of their actions will be fruitless. I learned how to act with empathy and compassion first when in conflict. I learned that people are generally not mad at me all the time, and living in fear of someone being mad at me is pathetic. I learned that I have to ~Just Do~ the things I want to do, despite how stupid that sounds, and I can do so many more things than I thought I was capable of. I am not so much the desperate person I was last year. I spent this year having a bit of a "detox" from dating which I am very grateful for the opportunity to have done!

I am not so much a person for new years resolutions, as I am sure nobody has been in the past 10 years, but I hope I will be able to make positive impacts on myself and others around me in 2025. I hope I can begin many many new projects, meet even more people and strengthen the relationships I already have, gain confidence, get my health in check, get a stable routine of productivity, get top surgery (nice lofty goal seamus), and avoid massive hardship. I pray for the health and wellbeing of myself and my loved ones, and for peace and stability. Also I pray for the eternal brave and strong Palestinians to be freed from the frothing maw of the rabid dog of the Zionist entity, and for settler colonialism around the globe to have less of a hegemony over the peoples they rule - but the rest of the world.

Still not really using social media! I hop on to check messages but then I close it. Yay! I feel my brain healing more and more every day. I feel like if I saw a tik tok right now I would immediately be zapped into atomic particles. I was thinking about it and am not totally sure right now, but I think I may subsect the music tab into "recently seen live shows", "my music", and "music I have been listening to lately", but I worry about the safety of discussing the places I frequent in such a public way with my actual identity attached to it . I do really love the idea of having a full journal of every band I have ever seen - so I never forget! I did end up seeing Nosferatu by Robert Eggers and Sonic 3, both very good!

I hope 2025 is filled with only the best for you and your loved ones. I will write another entry soon, in the meantime take care of yourselves and keep warm!

12/25/24

Hello, and Merry Christmas! I had a wonderful day spent with my family and had a lovely dinner. My mother, the extreme gift-giver that she is, sent me home with 7 bags of candy. I am sipping peppermint tea from a mug with cats on it that she got for me, it is very very cute. I hope you had a nice day of rest and relaxation. I have been doing alright since last journal entry! Doing many of the same things, reading, working, walking, mostly reading though. I read something wonderful this week, the introduction of a book that I have yet to fully read, in which they describe how making art is the same as doing magick (in more verbose and beautiful terms than I would be able to conjure behind my sleepy eyelids) and that has been really inspiring me. I had a nice little solstice day, and am very happy to now be in capricorn season. Trust me, I could use the concentration.

My little eyes and little wrists seem to already be tired of a journal entry. I hope I can see the new Nosferatu this week, and get some winter tidying done in this time of rest and relaxation before spring begins to poke her head through the skies. Thank you for reading and thank you to all of my new friends and followers. I hope you all are safe, well, healthy, and are able to relax during this time. Be safe on new years! Love you, be well and be merry. Whoever was the little mouse sending me a funny little message about being at the Mortiferium show, you should tell me your name or something so I won't wonder who you were! I suppose more people know me than I realize, which is not something my brain can really comprehend. I don't think my brain can comprehend a 'brand', I just try to surround myself with things I think are cool. I really actually hate compliments hahah, I feel like people's perceptions of me make me become a person who moves towards compliments. I think I am cool and hot and sexy, don't worry, I am just of delicate composure and a needy temperment and can become addicted to the reassurance of a mirror. People tend to always like the non-daring things, which make me become of mild ways. Or sometimes the opposite, I don't know. Im sleepy. When people come up to me at shows when they are rolling on molly or jaw stretching horizontally on cocaine, and are bewitched by my appearance I do feel the need to crush their admiration by reminding them that dressing up doesn't matter, like, at all, and in fact often shows lack of friendship with the solitary soul. Being shallow is an outcropping of this deeper problem.

p.s., I think I made a button? But I can't tell if this is good or not. Is it even legible? Who cares. Merry Christmas

12/15/2024

Hello! This week has been pretty interesing for me. I have been a lot more in-tune with my energetic surroundings - if that makes sense - due to me focusing more on my rituals, taking walks outside more, attempting to meditate with greater focus, and reading The Brothers Grimm's Fairy Tales. I have been really enjoying reading that every day. I feel as though it is slightly changing my perspective on how I fit into the world, and despite it technically being for children, its victorian syntax and vocabulary is making my reading stamina increase. I have been honestly eating like I am in a Monastery - beans, rice, lentils, oats. Drinking a lot of tea, black and green, due to finding a really nice drink thermos at a thrift store that I have decorated with my TXDS stickers. Winter has been really nice so far, I really revel in getting to dress in my wools and furs to stay warm. The only thing I hate is my toes being cold, and my toes apparently love to banish away any semblance of warmth with great haste at the slightest opportunity. I am now done with my classes, and am looking for full-time work as a teacher. I really do miss teaching. Working with kids is very spiritually fulfilling. I like being nice to them and showing them respect, and teaching them things about the world. I genuinely do not respect adults who really do not like being around kids and take pleasure in being mean to them. Yesterday, a really sweet lesbian couple came into my job and had a sweet ~4 year old who really wanted to say thank you to me after I made her a raspberry soda. I almost cried just thinking about that. Maybe I am thinking about kids more because I am late on my shot, lol. My hair is getting long again and I am really happy about it. It feels very nice and healthy. I have been writing in a dream journal and have had some very cool and strange ones lately. My favorite one had a scene in it where I was walking single file in a line, in an alley surrounded by a tall picket fence, and on my left was a single-file line of "tarantula people" whose hands were spiders. Somehow I was told not to trust them, or speak to them, and ignore their presence. I ignored that advice and said to the last one, a nerdier looking beautiful woman with long brown hair, "Hi!". She turned and was very shocked at my kindness and responded "oh! Hi! i love you!" and then kept on her way.

Something really strange happened yesterday when I was at my local Thicket. I was walking back to my Carriage when I had a sudden urge to go off the trail. As I am turning right, I notice a strange energy around a certain area. I had been picking up litter, and when I noticed a book page in the base of a bush I picked it up and looked at it. "The Koran" it said, and it had burn markings around the pages. It was still wet, seemingly had been attempted to be burned at least a day ago. I go further into the scene and find Zyn cans (wintergreen flavored), Modelos crushed, and many more pages and book sections strewn about. In the center of this scene was a hole where the majority of the pages were. I look around as I begin to clean up the mess, and see that there was also a Torah, and a Hindi scripture from the Hare Krishna movement called the "Bhagavad Gita - as it is". they had seemingly attempted to burn the books in a hole, and when that didn't work, they ripped up the pages and threw them everywhere. If I were to guess, this was Christian fundamentalist >22 year old college students with such racism in their hearts that they felt the need to burn these 'heretical' scriptures, possibly on the full moon. It made me very very sad to see. I am glad the Thicket tasked me with cleaning up their mess, and I apologized to the forest spirits on their behalf and prayed over it and apologized to the texts for they had once been praised and worshipped, then had been burned and destroyed and I had to throw them away. I felt really bad about throwing them away. I hope Allah (swt), YHWH, and Krishna don't blame me for doing that.

Here's some dumb jokes from my notes I would've tweeted had I been on twitter still:

They need to remove the terms & conditions of facebook messenger because many sellers on marketplace need to be told to kill themselves

the electroswing fandom is dying repost if youre a real swinger

There are people in the active proccess of smoking crack whilst driving on our freeways you must be aware of this

Labia is basically balls

12/10/24

Hello! I want to write a little bit about some bjork songs I have been listening to the past few days. I hadn't listened to any of her music past her 90s stuff, and recently did a big deep dive specifically on her albums Vulnicura and Fossora. Two of the songs - coincidentally both the opening tracks have been completely changing my perspective recently. Stonemilker, the first off her 2015 album Vulnicura (her post-divorce mourning and reflection on love album) has been resonating with me on all fronts it presents.

Lyrics excerpt:

Moments of clarity are so rare

I better document this

Across the view is fears

All that matters is

Who is open-chested

And who has coagulated

Who can share and

Who has shot down the chances?

...

And if one feels closed

How does one stay open?

I'm not really sure how to begin on how timely and apt these lyrics (accompanied by a beautiful string quartet) is to my current life journey. Before transitioning, I was more than closed off - I was not present in any situation I was in. I was not able to be honest with even myself when I was alone, how could I have possibly begun to be honest with others? I was not 'open chested' in even the beginning stages of what that could mean - more than coarse, I was fully closed off to any possibilities of love and life. I lived in fear as a rabbit in a forest at night - all other beings were there to hurt me. My own mind was painful to live within, my body did not belong to my mind. My actions were in service of either small bursts of frantic desperate honesty, or in attempt to exit all situations as quickly as possible. Newness was painful.

With my life beginning again, I am painfully confronted with the honest, truthful, unobfuscated soul that bjork puts into all her art. Her music videos are the absolute opposite of what I am used to, association of art with obfuscation. She is in center frame - singing directly into the camera (and by extention to me and you), and singing about the most bare honest emotions of her events in life. No ego, just direct hope for connection on similar emotion. Her lack of past experiences shying her from direct expression is something more than inspiring to me. I want to work on becoming similar to her ability to be honest and present in all her art forms. I also want to work on accepting those who are like this - instead of being afraid.

12/7/24

Hello. I have still remained off social media. Despite my fears of disappearing from the minds of my friends, the opposite has happened and I have made some wonderful memories in this time of mental refresh. I have met some wonderful new people and have strengthened the bonds of the relationships I already have. This week has blessed us with my favorite weather, lows of 35 and highs of 50. Little bit cloudy out, maybe some fog. My datura plant outside my window has been blooming - and instead of white blossoms like usual, the tips have turned purple. Datura is highly associated with Saturn, the planetary deity I feel most strongly connected towards. I want to take cuttings of that plant and pot them so I can take her with me when I leave, or so the cold doesnt kill her. I have been drinking more coffee lately. I bought a wool full-length skirt in a dark green and black tartan that has been keeping me warm, and I have been wearing my leather jacket that I will be putting patches on soon - once they arrive. Still smoking Djarum clove cigarettes, maximum 2 a day. Playing a bit more Runescape. Today I went to Natural Grocers and walked around the Potion section for a long time. Wouldnt it be cool if there was a powder you could put into steamed milk and it Fixes you? Crate digging on black metal - Oranssi pazuzu, Lord, Judas Iscariot, Blut aus Nord, Black cilice, Spectral Wound, Miséricorde all been on the repeat lately. I have been sitting on a cushion next to my gas heater and meditating more. I feel as though social media puts too many people in front of you, and you value the people in your life less because you've seen better ones in your phone. Now I feel like I value the wonderful people I've been blessed to know over the years as I should. I can not be distracted by 'the grass is greener' when in their presence. I want to be there for everyone. I want to have experiences. I feel like my brain is starting to "heal" which for me just means I am acting both way weirder, and also more normal at the same time. Probably fine! What have I been Feeling... Hmm... feeling like Meursault the way I am only describing the things that happen to me. I feel.... fine! Desire for change. Desire for experience. Happy? hm.... too big of a word.... Just fine! :)

11/27/24

Hello. I have been off social media (instagram and twitter) for a little over a week. I stopped using it upon my realization it was central in not only perpetuating desperation to cure my own loneliness via posting, but also central in causing my feelings of loneliness. I spend all day on my phone in an endless cycle of feeling very very alone, and posting to try and remedy that. I don't spend time doing things that make me happier. I haven't spent time doing any of the things I want to be doing- finishing my DS project, learning to play guitar so I can start a OMBM project, I haven't been learning new crafts or working on the ones I love already like cross stitching, painting, and sewing. My brain had been fully subsumed by the Meta Demon. It gets money when I think there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Yes, the transsexual alienation sucks and I do feel like an unlovable freak, but posting on my instagram story was not helping. I am not someone who is physically capable of mediums, I don't think I am capable to have a healthy relationship (if such a thing exists) with social media. I want so badly to live a life outside of it. The years keep coming and going, and I keep seeing myself stagnating in search of partnership. There are so many things I want to do, and i want to find out how I can work with myself in order to make them happen. I am always behind, and I don't want to be. It's getting colder, and I feel unaccomplished. I really enjoyed learning to make this website, though.